Jason: Overcoming OCD & Orthorexia
Wow, you’re so organized…
Man, I’d love to be able to plan like you…
Your dedication to a diet and exercise routine is incredible…
I wish I had your willpower and discipline…
Ignoring The Truth
Those are the words I often heard from friends, family, and co-workers. To them, it appeared that I was on top of the world. However, those outside observers had no idea of the hell that I was living on the inside.
If I didn’t plan or organize, then the obsessive thoughts would consume me. If I “cheated” on my diet or took a day off from the gym, then I assumed I was a complete failure, or some sort of horrible disease was imminent. The anxiety of breaking routine became paralyzing.
Dating back to my early teens, I remember an overwhelming obsession with perfection, control, routine, and order. I exhibited repetitive behaviors around every day activities like using a remote control, flipping a light switch, or even saying certain numbers. If I didn’t adhere to the loud demands of my brain, I feared something horrible would happen.
But I never told anybody. I feared they’d think I was just weird. Heck, I saw myself as weird so I just tried to ignore these things and press on. I never thought it could be OCD because that was that “hand-washing” thing that only happened to weird people. Yup, the stigma had me right where it wanted me.
OCD & Orthorexia
Over the years, the obsessions and compulsions worsened. Then came orthorexia and the unhealthy obsession with healthy eating and exercise addiction.
Undiagnosed and unmanaged OCD left me vulnerable to diet culture’s lies. The two became intertwined. There are still times when I struggle to identify whether it is my OCD telling me I can’t eat that or my eating disorder telling me to get back to the gym. OCD and orthorexia were like fire and gasoline. My life was the scorched earth they tried to leave behind.
Finding Strength & Healing
Through a strength-based approach, my therapist helps me recognize ways to use OCD to my advantage. For starters, my attention to detail helps when working with my nutritionist and re-establishing my trust and relationship with food. My competitiveness allows me to look at recovery almost like a game and I need to defeat the opponent, aka orthorexia. My drive means I’m sometimes fixated on my goal of healing, which can come in handy on those days when that orthorexia voice grows loud.
Sure, there are still days that are more challenging than others but I’m no longer afraid to speak up and ask for help.
Regardless of what the stigma tries to sell you, you are not weird. OCD is not a joke or an adjective. It is a serious mental illness and while there may be no cure, it can be managed and you can live the life you deserve!
Jason Wood
(he/him)
Jason turned his battle with orthorexia into a mission to break the stigma around men’s mental health by publishing his memoir Starving for Survival. He is proud to serve on the board for Running in Silence, Michigan Eating Disorder Alliance, and SoulPaws Recovery Project. Jason is also ANAD’s Director of Community Engagement! Through speaking engagements, his writing, and his work, Jason strives to start an important conversation that encourages everyone–especially men–to speak up, share their stories, and get the help they deserve.
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