Success. Everyone sets themselves a goal in their lives, which once they have attained, is their own personal definition of success. Success is subjective and therefore other people can rarely assess the extent of the achievement in someone’s life. Victories need not be on a large scale to be deemed important, as there will always be the small successes in life. Yet, are these small victories worthy of the same level of satisfaction? I believe so. When recovering from anorexia, successes arise on a daily basis. Be it the day you eat a slice of bread or even the day you finally attain the healthy BMI range (which I personally have yet again achieved), all events leave you with the knowledge that you are one step closer to reaching your goal.
A lot has happened since I last wrote a post and indeed I have some of the biggest news to share. I have finally been accepted on a place to study Dentistry at Aberdeen University. The hard work and perseverance I have put in to finally achieve this is what led to my demise with anorexia. I first developed this condition when I was unable to apply to study Dentistry at the age of 18 due to poor grades. I had completely lost site of the future I had envisioned for myself and my goal had been cruelly snatched away from me. I felt I had no control over my life and so I began controlling the one thing I could, my food. And I was very good at it! In fact too good, as it quickly became an obsession, which further pulled me away from my dream. However, 5 years on, I am a stronger person for it and have gained the ability to be empathetic, a quality I believe will be vital for me as a dentist. So yey to me!
I often find myself refraining from posting a new blog when I meet new people for no other reason than I don’t want them to look at me differently after reading what I have to say. There has never been an incident whereby I have ever had to question myself for sharing my blog, as everyone has been nothing but respectful, yet I always have the fear that one day someone will hurt me with the insight they gain into the private aspects of my life. It may also be that an acquaintance knowing intimate details about me is in fact very embarrassing. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself, as I have shown resilience in combatting my demons and it has shaped the person the world has now come to know.
The Easter holidays, apart from brining about a mound of chocolate for me to continue bingeing on, also led me to another 2 weeks of skiing. Skiing has quickly become my favourite form of self-therapy, as the freedom you get from your troubled mind is incomparable. The ability to be in the fresh mountain air and having a blank mind, bar planning the location of your next turn, is a relief and there is also the satisfaction of knowing you have physically exerted yourself. This is not taking into account however, the fact that you generally take in a whole lot more calories than you’ve spent due to the sheer unctuous and moreish nature of the French mountain foods. Be it the week I spent with my family, or the one I spent with my university friends, I certainly did not hold back on the food front. I ate to my hearts content choosing foods that I WANTED to eat (with the exception of cheese, my devil food) and thoroughly enjoyed pigging-out. One moment I did question myself was when someone said ‘you’re indulging yourself’ upon me ordering a chocolate crepe. I ate it anyway but I do not want be told or made to feel greedy as it is very alarming for me. I do want to thank all of my ‘Ski lot’ however, who really made my last university ski trip one of the most memorable and best holidays I have been on.
Although I would not say I am yet recovered from my anorexia, I feel I am in one of the best places both emotionally and physically that I have been in since I started on my road to recovery. I have the help of extremely supportive friends both at university and at home, a sister I get along with better than ever and parents who have stuck by me through my worst times (although arguably they sort of had to). I am on a road that is leading me to full recovery and I now hold the key to the future I have so long wanted for myself. I believe that my life is finally going to be a success.
(c) My Big Anorexia Nervosa Secret – Read entire story here.