Survival of the Fittest

Survival. In Darwinian terms, those fittest for survival, endure the many tests thrown at them and go on to exist. Survival is a necessary human instinct and the one that drives us to run away in face of danger. However, what happens when the only option is to head forwards amidst the perils? Will only the strongest survive, or do we each have the capability to fight our way through and ultimately end up safely on the other side? No one can lead a meaningful existence by continuously bypassing threats and no one has been able to do so no matter how confident they may appear on the outside. The risks involved in the challenge are what lead us to shy away from the fight but we must stop acting vulnerable and believe that we are strong enough to survive. Anorexia turns your life upside down and your priorities shift. No longer is it essential for your body to persist, but more for your Anorexia to thrive within your mind. Having once dreamed of making something of my life and going to university, suddenly my entire existence was reliant on how many calories I was eating and whether I was consuming too much. Over the year I watched my body perish and the dreams went away with it too. I would have never envisaged myself where I am now. One year on fighting and surviving against Anorexia.

My move to university has been one that has irreversibly changed me for the better. Of course I was worried about how I would cope in such a different environment surrounded by people I did not know and who had the capability to judge my past. Away from home, I would encounter a huge test in having to cook and ascertain regular portions for myself without being under the watchful eye of my reassuring parents; I would have complete control. In that way I was determined to prove my inner strength and not to let the Anorexia overwhelm me once more, as I am still aware of its persistent presence. Without the satisfaction of knowing that I have fully beaten it, what would a drastic change in environment and an eruption of emotions cause? It is understandable for me to have felt concerned in this way, yet I should learn to trust in my ability to retain self-control. But, being conscious of the fact that my disorder arose when I was last studying, I had no idea what a return to education would entail.

Like any normal student I was worried about the cliché of not making friends, yet my fear was further spiked with my eating disorder history. Having ‘paraded’ my eating disorder for a year through my former skeletal appearance, I had gotten used to just assuming that people knew I was ill. However, my weight restoration so far is such that I merely look slim and it is not immediately apparent how much I have suffered. This posed a dilemma; do I reveal I am recovering from Anorexia to people I have only just met? Or do I keep this a secret? The thought had not even crossed my mind until I was faced with admission, as prior to this I had never been ashamed of how I fought my way out of the disorder. It is a very personal thing to admit to having suffered from a mental disorder, simply because I am aware of just how naïve people can be about it and I was embarrassed by the thought that people would believe I was just one of ‘those girls’ who wanted to be thin. I am not and never will be. It is natural for people to start off a friendship with small talk and asking questions, the most common one being ‘what did you do in your gap year?’. It is at this point that I can either admit to having taken the year out to recover or produce a vague white lie that I worked to ‘gain money’. It has never been my intention to keep my Anorexia hidden, but at what point is it appropriate to introduce it into a new friendship without making them run away or let it distinguish you as a person. At what cost would my revelation come?

The toughest aspect for me has been adaptation. I used to have such a strict regime as to when I would eat lunch, when I would have my snack and how long afterwards I would have my dinner, yet I have had to become much more flexible and drop the rigidity I had developed. Not only would my schedule have my lectures to contend with, but I did not want to appear like a food freak in front of my new flat mates. Fortunately, I had befriended the girls over facebook prior to my move to Newcastle and each one was aware and extremely understanding of my Anorexia after I advised them to read my blog. I was immensely grateful for their reaction and I could not have hoped to share a flat with better people; I felt safe going to university. I was more apprehensive revealing it to the boys, whom I was unsure as to how they would react, so of course, it was revealed on a drunken night during Freshers Week. I do not regret them all knowing as it was inevitable for them to find out but the way in which they each maturely handled the information was touching. I’m glad that I have got it out of the way with them and we can formulate close friendships on the basis of trust and I would be comfortable going to them with any issues I felt I was having regarding my eating habits. I am in safe hands and I only really have them to thank for this security.

Drinking alcohol was always going to be a grey area in my mind. After being tee-total for an entire year at the fear of the ‘unnecessary’ empty calories in such beverages, I was not sure how I would fair drinking socially. It is a big part of university in my mind although it is not essential to have a good time and make friends. I did not however, want to have to limit myself from something I would have had no second thoughts of consuming before I was ill and so I decided that it would be the least of my concerns. I did of course have to be mindful of my limits now that I was at a much lower body weight and had a low tolerance following the abstinence. Not once did I feel pressurised to drink more than I should or wanted to, which meant that my flat mates and I were all on the same level and we could all respect one-another. Without a second thought, I have managed to drink wine and have spirits mixed with full fat energy drinks. This would have been impossible for me a couple of months ago. I am more relaxed and there is a noticeable change within me.

Now that food and strict weight restoration is no longer my biggest concern, it is bizarre to notice just how much my eating habits have evolved. I no longer need to take an entire hour to eat a soup, yogurt and fruit and I vary my diet a lot more, albeit being a student with a meagre budget. But, I am blessed with two amazing parents who will ensure that I will always have enough food to keep me healthy. It has been hard to stick to my guns and eat three regular meals a day when others around me could skip meals with no harm to themselves, but I finally realise the necessity of providing my body with enough energy now that I am more active if I am to survive at university and thrive. I have the potential to do well and I cannot let it be jeopardised once again by my foolish inability to feed myself correctly.

I have not felt attractive in ever so long due to what I can only describe as my skin and bone appearance. I was a long way past being merely chiselled, so who would find my horrifying carcass look appealing? It was a novelty therefore, to arrive in this new environment only finally looking relatively healthy and find that I was in fact somewhat pleasant to look at. I am used to being looked at in a shocked and disgusted way and in a way, I expect people to still react in that way; who can forget the judgemental and unabashed stares I received from passers-by and so it was strange to receive appreciative looks. Since being here, I have left behind the shy girl who would isolate herself in her room and shy away from any attention. I am finally finding myself again. Solene survived despite the invasion of the Anorexia and has come out stronger. I am in control, but in a healthy way by directing my future towards a prosperous one. I have new friends and undoubtedly new hurdles to overcome up ahead but they do not frighten me; I fight for my survival.