It hit me how bad things were, when I ended up going to Ohio State for a month before I had to come home to get proper treatment for my disorder. I was depressed, unhealthy, unhappy, and unfulfilled with my life in every way. It felt like something had been taken from me, not only with my loss of self but with my loss of autonomy. With the support of my family, I gathered a group of therapists, psychiatrists, dieticians, and pediatricians to begin my recovery. I am extremely lucky to have had the resources, familial support, and self-awareness to get myself professional assistance when I needed it most. Even with this support, my time at home was difficult for multiple reasons. I felt like I was “falling behind” and not developing properly like the rest of the people my age. I was beginning to uproot years of suppressed emotions and thought-processes that I worked hard to stow away. And I had to navigate the family dynamics of trying to take ownership of my health and be an adult, but also still needing parental guidance in my care.
After the first semester, I mustered the strength and wellness to get back to school for spring while also applying to other colleges to transfer. In addition to my personal struggles, I did not feel like Ohio State was a good fit for me and I wanted to set myself up for success somewhere else where I could feel more in tune with myself and my peers. I think that when I was applying to college the first time around, I was internally resistant to wanting to go / being ready to move on from adolescence. Because of this, I don’t think I seriously considered what I wanted out of my education. As my year finished off at OSU, I continued therapy and nutritional counseling and got into Northwestern to transfer for my sophomore year. This was the kind of positive karma that I so desperately needed and felt that I deserved. To this day I cannot believe that I get to go to such a wonderful college filled with such exceptional people. I am thankful for every second of my time there thus far, and I look forward to cherishing my last year.
Recent news about some of the irreversible damage I’ve done to my body has especially motivated me to fully commit to my recovery. Since the beginning of my ED, I’ve struggled to believe that I was “sick enough” to override that ED voice and try to eradicate it from my mind. When I think about my core values, personal and professional goals, and physical wellbeing, I’ve come to understand that recovery is 100% vital for me to achieve the joy in my life that I want to harness. I wish someone had told me earlier in my ED the consequences that I would have to deal with now for my actions, though I also recognize that a part of me needed to hit rock bottom to accept making any real change. For anyone currently dealing with an ED, or really any mental illness, I encourage you to think about what you REALLY want for yourself in this life, and know that you how more power in that than you think. With enough self-awareness, professional support, and courage, you can rewire your brain to get to a more peaceful place.