Pressure. We can often bear the feeling of being required to carry a burden we are ill-equipped to cope with. When saddled with our own need to achieve, we can often lay an unnecessary stress upon ourselves, which could easily be relieved if we were to trust our abilities. For someone suffering from Anorexia Nervosa, they find comfort in the knowledge that their failure can of sorts be rectified with the accomplishment of restricting themselves of food. When there is little we can control in the face of anxiety, ‘victories’ are sought in different places and predominantly in how we feed ourselves; alimentation being the one true aspect we have complete power over. Soon enough we build a tolerance to the small euphoria induced in the…

Embarrassment. When we undergo an experience that we believe will be judged by others in a negative way and will hinder our appearance to others, we feel a rush of shame course through us. More often than not, it is our own fears of how we are perceived by the public that causes this emotion rather than how people would generally react to such a situation. Our discomfort can take on a physical form, flooding our faces with a noticeable blush making matters somewhat worse. However, in many cases our mortification can remain internal eating away at us by telling us that everyone will laugh or use this against us to make us seem weaker. It is our pride that will encourage us to avoid humiliation and…

Vulnerability. For many of us the idea of revealing our weaknesses makes us shiver with the thought of them potentially being used against us. We therefore put on a façade of a tough exterior; we appear almost emotionless. When I was first writing my blog, I was scared of revealing my Achilles’ heel; my downfall with Anorexia, yet I felt it a necessity as I was carrying my illness as a banner through my emaciated frame. For many Eating Disorder sufferers, we have so long thrived in the secrecy of what we are doing to ourselves, that the idea of exposing it to the outside world is terrifying. This poses a problem when we are seeking help in recovery. If we are too afraid to speak out…

Stationary. The word signifies non-movement, whether it is your body, your life or simply a moment in time. There are different reasons to fear an instant in your lifetime where you feel stagnant and unable to move forward with ambition or with a task at hand that you know must be completed. However, there are also many reasons to relish such a time, when things seem so perfect you dare not move on at the risk of losing all that is good in that snapshot in time. In both cases there really is naught to be afraid of yet, how can we move forward if no path has been made available to us? How can we afford to leave behind all that is good when only…

Return. Depending on the initial situation, the return of something can be regarded as either a positive or negative event. When we have been left with good memories, being presented with the recurrence of a particularly joyous circumstance, we can be overwhelmed with a sense of relief or even rejoice in its appearance. However, pair the return to a negative and sometimes dangerous situation, the fear of a comeback with all its associated feelings and subsequent results can be hard to handle. For an Anorexia sufferer in recovery, the gradual and unpremeditated reappearance of Anorexic traits can drive your self-belief in achieving a full recovery to an all time low. However, in such circumstances and for whatever reason behind the apparent regression, being optimistic is key. …

Deal. A multifaceted word, which is often used simply as another term for coping. Dealing with an eating disorder can be an extremely challenging time for both the sufferer and those around them, as people become a shadow of themselves, obsessed only with the controlling of food. Sometimes in dealing with the stress of suffering, depression will commonly rear its ugly head making the notion of recovery one that is far beyond reach. But coping with the ups and downs and the world around you is something in life we will always have to face. As 2013 has come to an end, there have inevitably been some highs and lows that I was forced to deal with in a multitude of ways.Dealing with stress has always been …

Fix. When something goes wrong, there is a requirement to adjust the situation and revert things to their natural order. It is never clear which route is the right one to take in order to achieve the sense of harmony there was before and more often than not there are multiple paths to choose from. However, the problem arises when wanting a quick route out of the situation. There is never a happy ending quick fix. In the case of finding a treatment for Anorexia, seldom will sufferers find the same route to recovery the right one for them. This is what makes it so difficult to treat an eating disorder; trial and error can take months if not years. Breaking out of fixed habits however is …

Laughter. A human behavior that is an outward signal emulating a particular emotion. Whether it is a reaction to humour or whether it is a way one deals with pain and loss, laughter can be a therapeutic way to release inner feelings. The most common association of the laugh is one of amusement, whereby we express our appreciation in a moment of hilarity. When suffering from mental disorders merriment can seem like a rare occurrence, especially when dealing with depression. Since falling victim to my anorexic tendencies yet again over Christmas, it seemed that joy was seldom a part of my life as I wallowed in my dark mood and lack of enthusiasm. However, recently since restarting my anti-depressants I have acquired a new perspective on …

Expectations. An event that you are anticipating to happen. When suffering from an eating disorder you become somewhat of a perfectionist, setting the bar high for yourself and expecting to see the results. Should you fall short of such standards, you feel a failure that overrides any logical way of thinking. It can make it harder to accept yourself accompanied by a persistent need of punishment for what is perceived as an ‘underachievement’. Most of the time your food intake takes the biggest hit. The same expectations can be laid down for recovery. There is an unspoken pressure to wake up one day and suddenly ‘be better’ but that is unlikely if not impossible. Eating a ‘forbidden’ food one day with no problem would mean you are …

Holiday. For many, this is the opportunity to take the time off work and relax, taking a well earned break from the hustle and bustle of life. For someone like me however, this is when the real work begins. Leaving your home means leaving your comfort zone entirely and losing control of your usually rigid diet. It is stressful to know you are entering several days of eating copious amounts of food served in hotel buffets or restaurants; you must deal with the constant temptation to completely avoid eating because no one is monitoring you. However, it can also be a time when you lose control entirely by overindulging on ‘forbidden’ foods that you have so long resisted. Eating these food is not a problem per se, …

Memory. A vital gift that gives us the ability to learn and build on past experiences. Remembering events we are fond of in our lives brings us joy, as we summon a mere whisper of the intense happiness felt at the time. It is important to remember and cherish our pasts. But what happens if our memory fails us; when we want to suppress the events in our lives that are pivotal yet so painful. Can we then honestly say we have learned, accepted and moved on from the pain? Locking away such memories is often the easiest path to choose in traumatic experiences, yet whether it is the right one very much depends on the fragility of the person’s mind. I find many, unlike me, are …

Pride. These days this word is often used in conjunction with an arrogant individual, however how can we deny someone the right to be proud of themselves for accomplishing an event they did not think themselves capable of. When it comes to recovery from Anorexia, pride will often be accompanied with guilt. Why should we feel joy in eating an ‘unsafe’ food we had so long been ecstatic in our ability to cut out? It is necessary to overcome the natural urges from the Anorexia and see how amazing it is that after suffering for so long, to have that first slice of bread. At first hearing the congratulations from others fills you with a self-loathing that drives you to feel the need to compensate for …