I have been feeling heavier than ever these past few weeks. My anxiety high and emotional fuse short. I knew this time of year would be hard – my first holiday in grief, but I had no idea just how much the heaviness would weigh me down. My grief has manifested in an array of emotions. And, like most people, I find it 10,000 times easier to lean the other way rather into the hurt. I have spent much of this year leaning into work, family, busyness or color coding my cute planner…basically ANYTHING to distract me from the real pain and hurt. My GaGa is not coming back. It has taken me almost a year to truly accept this. I have been waiting for the perfect…
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One Year Gone: Lessons in Grief
My eyes opened well before the sun rose, knowing what today was. My heart ached that same ache I have been experiencing for the last 365 days. A distinct void that will never be filled. I lie in bed and suddenly felt the need to see the sunrise. I threw on my clothes and drove the three minutes to the beach. As I walked passed the dunes and saw the expansive beach unfold before my eyes, I laughed. It was cloudy. Only a small pink sliver of light could be seen where the ocean meets the sky. Sigh. So much for the perfect sunrise I pictured in my head, I thought. But in more ways than not, today’s cloudy non-existent sunrise was the perfect finale to…
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A Prisoner Of My Own Mind: Inside My Eating Disorder
Have you ever wondered what it is like to have an EATING DISORDER? What it is like to live with a horrific mental illness that no one seems to understand, an illness that is often misdiagnosed, swept under the rug or hidden behind plastic smiles? […]
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Detoxing from a Weekend Binge
Here is what my former eating disordered life looked like: Monday-Thursday: restrict, calorie rules, weighing in 20-40 times per day, diet pills, low fat, no fat, sugar free, fat free Friday-Saturday: Dinner and going out with friends, events, Mardi Gras balls, football games, excessive drinking […]
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For the Love of Hollis
I sit at my desk this morning unable to work. My mind is cluttered with the C-word once again. c a n c e r Last week, a dear island friend and cancer warrior once again heard the c-word fall from her doctor’s lips. Lesions […]
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Carolina: Forever & Always In My Mind
December 2010 “McCall, breathe with me. Breathe in 2…3…4…out…2…3…4” I could hear the words being spoken to me, but couldn’t catch my breath. I sobbed and shook uncontrollably, my body curled tightly in a ball on the stiff therapy couch. I was in treatment and having […]
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When the Dress Doesn’t Fit
The bad florescent lights flickered in the grey colored dressing room. The Dillard’s dressing room resembled my mental state: depressed, anxious and grey. I squatted onto the cheap carpet with tears streaming down my face. Another dress, another disappointment. fat, gross, huge, ugly…unworthy It was […]
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Why I Thank God for My Eating Disorder
The buttered bagel sat on my car’s console. I stared at it with tears streaming down my face. The tears had nothing to do with the bagel and everything to do with life. My baby girl was heading back to the hospital. I was once […]
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In the Blink of an Eye
I knew this photo was coming and today it popped up. One year. I vividly remember this day. It was the day I looked out at the ocean with my family and thought, “We made it.” We survived nearly three months in the NICU and extreme reclusiveness […]
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Here She Comes
I have two words: Cancer. Free. Nearly one year ago I began asking for prayers again and then posting the C Word. Our lives were shattered on Wednesday, May 27, 2015. Then today on Tuesday, May 2, 2016, our lives were pulled back together. Back […]
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Scan Purgatory
It happens every time. The wait. The anxiety. The nerves. The quiet understanding between Jordan and me as we wait for our baby girl’s scan results. Will the cancer be gone? Will it have metastasized? Will it be the same? Marjorie’s previous two scans showed […]
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Praying for Death
“I went to mass twice this week, praying for God to heal one and to take another.” The words of my father-in-law pierced through heart. Gary is a man of quiet faith, but certainly not quiet in nature. His bold personality can light up a […]