A client who’s recovering from alcoholism mentioned in a session that when she was anxious, she really, really, really craved a drink. We talked about how having a drink would affect her afterward—the shame and remorse she’d feel—and how, by drinking, she’d really, really, really be missing an opportunity to practice crucial life skills. Addictions […](Visited 8 times, 8 visits today)
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When You Can’t Get What You Really Want, You Eat
When dysregulated eaters think they can’t get what they really want in life, they too often turn to food. They’re not hungry (not a smidge!), but end up on a mission to find something edible to satisfy them. And heaven help anyone who gets in their way. I know just what this process is like […](Visited 40 times, 41 visits today)
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Critical Fat Care: Recovering from a Concussion
When you get into a car accident and you are Fat, a Woman and African American of Slave Decent, your experience is unique, to say the least. I still and always will believe that my life experiences as a Fat person, outweigh those of being a Black Woman. This could be different for other black […](Visited 20 times, 20 visits today)
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Giving Others the Gift of Our Sight
So often what we want most when we’re overwhelmed, afraid, exhausted, lost, a foreigner in our own bodies is to be seen. To be heard. To have another human being understand, really understand, what we’re going through, where we’re coming from. To have another human being listen, without texting, without looking around, without criticizing. To look at us directly, to look into our eyes. To be present with us wholeheartedly. To say, I see you, I hear you, I am here. We don’t want advice. We don’t even want reassurance that everything will be OK. No. What we want is to be witnessed as we are. The pain. The longing. The confusion. The uncertainty. The anxiety. The shame. As David Whyte beautifully…
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If No One Told You This Today or Ever
Today, I’m sharing words you might need to hear right now, or words you might need to remember, because you easily forget, or because you’ve never heard them. Words you can say to yourself, because you don’t have to wait for someone else to tell you. Because telling yourself is enough… You can be yourself—exactly who and how you are. Like what you like. Love what you love. Appreciate your idiosyncrasies. Your weirdness, or your sensitivity, or your distaste for certain things. You don’t have to pretend anymore. Respect yourself. Always respect yourself. It doesn’t matter what mistakes or poor decisions you’ve made. It really doesn’t. You always deserve to receive respect from others and from yourself. From your…
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Dear Girl Who Hates Her Body
Dear Girl Who Hates Her Body, You look at your body in the mirror and grimace. Ugh. It still looks like crap. You touch your body in disgust. You spend hours in your closet trying on every piece of clothing you own. And still nothing fits. Nothing looks good. Everything is wrong. You feel wrong. You wake up at 5 a.m. when the world is still dark and drag yourself to the gym. You don’t want to be there. But what other choice do you have? You feel like an alien in your own skin. Trapped. Suffocating. So unsure. It’s uncomfortable this body of yours. You wish so desperately you could just exchange it. You look at thinner girls knowing they are happier, yearning for…
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Savoring Simple Pleasures Every Day
An important part of taking compassionate care of ourselves is to focus on simple pleasures. Which totally depends on you. That is, you get to decide what a simple pleasure looks like. Savoring simple pleasures is especially helpful when there’s a lot going on in our lives—deadlines to meet, hard work to accomplish, errands to run. Making time for simple pleasures helps to prevent burnout. Simple pleasures help us to refocus on the sweet small moments, which helps us to cultivate joy and welcome a boost of energy. It also reminds us that pleasure doesn’t just reside in the big momentous occasions in our lives, such as birthdays and baby showers. We can access pleasure every day, several times a day. Today, I’m…
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A Beautiful Way to View and Process Our Emotions
We tend to look at our “negative” emotions as a nuisance at best or with anger at worst. We judge ourselves for feeling sad or lonely. We judge ourselves for feeling anxious. Often we just want these feelings to go away. Often we pretend they don’t exist in the first place. This is understandable. Maybe we weren’t taught to process our emotions. Maybe we’d simply rather feel good instead of heavy, weighed down and hurt. Again, totally understandable. And that’s hard. Because these feelings don’t dissipate. They don’t go away. In the new book The Self-Acceptance Project: How to Be Kind & Compassionate Toward Yourself in Any Situation, contributor Jeff Foster includes a beautiful passage on grief—one of…
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An Emotional First-Aid Kit for Navigating Life’s Storms
When I used to struggle and go through tough times, I didn’t really know how to handle it. I didn’t know what to do. Because what do you do during a painful situation? Years ago, I’d try to eat it away. I’d berate myself for having certain feelings and get even more upset. I’d withdraw and spend a lot of time on the couch, flipping channels and feeling empty. I’d also feel hopeless and helpless and alone. I’d feel restless and lost and very uncomfortable in my own body. Of course, none of my actions—the TV watching, the criticism, the emotional eating, the isolation—were helpful. So what is helpful? First you feel your feelings. Whatever they are. The…
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What Loving Yourself Can Look Like
There are many misconceptions about self-love. Some people assume that loving yourself is a cop-out or an excuse to do whatever you want—as in miss work just because, or spend money on some big purchase that’s going to set you back (i.e., spending money you don’t have). Some people assume it means not taking responsibility for your actions, or slipping into excess, or obsessive behaviors. Some people assume self-love is a synonym for hedonism. I totally understand why these myths abound. After all, we’re more used to punishing and berating ourselves than we are to leading with self-kindness. It’s hard to comprehend approaching ourselves with love. Because doesn’t that mean we’ll get out of line…
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More Thoughts on Self-Love
I’ve been thinking more about self-love and what it means and looks like for me. Yesterday, I shared some thoughts in this piece. Today, I’m sharing more examples. I hope these inspire you to think through your own definitions and how you can start embracing and loving yourself. Because you can. No matter where you’ve been and no matter what others have said to you, you can. Start small. Start now. Self-love is eating to nourish my body and satisfy my taste buds. It is asking for help when I need it instead of isolating myself. It is taking frequent breaks to rest and reminding myself I’m not a robot. Self-love is accepting myself as I am—the strengths, the…
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What Self-Love Might Look Like for You
I’m ending the week with another piece on self-love. (Here are parts one and two.) Below are additional examples of what loving yourself might look like in your life. I personally love examples, because I’m always curious about real-life applications. I’m always curious what a concept looks like day to day—especially when we’re talking about something as big and abstract and unfamiliar as self-love. Seeing a therapist for your anxiety or depression or something else you’re struggling with. Keeping up with your doctor’s appointments. Being intimate with someone who truly and genuinely cares about you. Getting to know yourself better by journaling; pausing and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings; and taking yourself out on…