Return. Depending on the initial situation, the return of something can be regarded as either a positive or negative event. When we have been left with good memories, being presented with the recurrence of a particularly joyous circumstance, we can be overwhelmed with a sense of relief or even rejoice in its appearance. However, pair the return to a negative and sometimes dangerous situation, the fear of a comeback with all its associated feelings and subsequent results can be hard to handle. For an Anorexia sufferer in recovery, the gradual and unpremeditated reappearance of Anorexic traits can drive your self-belief in achieving a full recovery to an all time low. However, in such circumstances and for whatever reason behind the apparent regression, being optimistic is key. By looking for the positive aspects around you, you can eventually pick yourself up and fight it; you have already proved that you are strong enough to do so.
With the Christmas holidays looming, the end of my first semester of my second year at university could not come any sooner. My return to university was plagued with ups and downs that shaped how well I would cope with all the hurdles that were to come. Friendships played a big part in the outcomes. Letting my guard down is very hard for me to do, therefore having previously been disappointed when revealing myself to people so entirely, I have reservations about doing so in order to avoid being hurt again. However, I allowed myself to begin to trust certain people during my final months of university before summer. Of course long breaks between seeing people can be hard and sometimes detrimental, and I was in fact to be bitterly disappointed with what I was to come back to. Fortunately I have not wallowed over this, as it was put into disregard by the reinforcement of friendships with more reliable people I had around me.
Unfortunately, with the return to university came the return of me weighing my food out to check portion sizes again. I religiously weigh out most foods so I know exactly how much I am having and essentially counting up my daily calorie intake. It is hard to be fully in charge of what I am eating again, rather than having the comfort of knowing that I am being served the same food and amount as everyone else (such is the situation at home). Being in a house this year with a group of girls who are completely understanding of what I have been through these past few years, has helped me in not feeling ashamed of my eating habits. I could not have asked for anything more, as I feel I can be comfortable eating in my own home without any questioning glances. Relaxing whilst eating in public is a big step I have had to overcome and it took me a while to do so, as I originally took to eating alone in my room. This however, led to me feeling left out in a lot of the social situations that were occurring throughout the house. With my growing confidence and trust in the girls, this problem is no longer in effect.
My stress levels recently have been skyrocketing. It is unclear to me whether having come off the anti-depressants over summer has played a part in how I am now dealing with the stress or not. There is no given reason for the way I am reacting to the amount of work I feel I have to do, as I feel I dealt with it in a much more positive manner last year. This is certainly having an effect on my mood and I feel bad for the way I take it out on those around me, especially my housemates. They have had to live with someone who, holes herself in her room working for hours on end, and having little conversation to contribute upon exposing myself to social situations. I want and NEED to break out of the rut I am creating in order to feel better about myself and live the carefree student life I am supposed to be leading.
On a lighter notes, I have returned to one of my favorite hobbies after 3 long years; dancing. When I quit dancing, it was to focus on my A level exams and it played a part in my development of Anorexia. Beginning to dance again felt so good, as I got the immediate rush of freedom dance brings to you. When I dance I can forget all my troubles, so this has definitely been a huge stress relief. However, I find myself getting distressed by the newfound limitations of my body. Three years is a long time to go without exercise, especially after muscle wastage due to my Anorexia so I have to be patient in the time it will take to regain even a semblance of the dance abilities I used to possess. I am however, taking this return to exercise slowly, as I am unsure how it will affect my weight in relation to the way I nourish myself nutritionally. It is hard to know exactly how much I need to adapt my diet in order to compensate for the increased activity. So far I think I am dealing well but only time will tell and I am determined to keep on top of it. The exercise is NOT for weight loss; it is merely a normal desire to live a healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.
These last few months of studying have been hard going but I was given the opportunity of a welcome break on my 21st birthday in November. What better way to turn 21, than to celebrate in my all time favorite city- New York. Getting to visit the Big Apple after falling in love with its atmosphere and general life-style three years ago was one of the biggest highlights in a long time. Spending my birthday with my whole family together was also a bonus, as it has unfortunately become too much of a rarity. When I first visited, my Anorexia had already begun to take hold of me and therefore I really restricted myself when it came to food. In America, when it comes to portions it’s all about ‘go big or go home’, so this time round- with no inhibitions- I really let lose in what I ate. I made sure I ate what I WANTED, and not what I thought would have fewer calories (if that is even possible in America!!); this was only accentuated by my choice of an all you can eat steak house for my birthday dinner.
Finally feeling I have the time to write again has been of a huge benefit to me. As I come to the end of writing this post, I feel somewhat freer in having admitted to the potential problems I have not been entirely able to express aloud. It is always hard to feel that I am unwittingly regressing into the old habits that stem from my Anorexia due to me using it as a coping mechanism for the many stresses I have around me. I want to be strong and I want to continue to be an inspiration for recovery to those around me. I feel I am letting everyone down, as I have not yet completely let go of the illness I have been convincing myself and others I have left behind. I know that I should not be too hard on myself, yet because I know that I have the capability to combat it I feel that I should want to but it is hard to let go of that final comfort. The time will come though, I am certain of it…
(c) My Big Anorexia Nervosa Secret – Read entire story here.