I got asked if i ever regretted recovery, and to answer honestly. And my aanswer is a complete and honest NO.
It would be very hard to write this blog, to help so many others, motivate people to recover if I, myself secretly longed back to being underweight.
I dont ever want to go back to the way i was before. Tired, so filled with hate towards myself, the world and everyone around me. Constantly hungry, but at the same time full and sick feelings. Watching as everyone else ate and lived life. Exercising for hours, and self harming in all sorts of ways. No sleep. Too many thoughts, too many guilt feelings and panicked feelings.
I would never go back to that just so that i can be skinny… just so that i can weigh a cetain number.
The question was more directly asked about my half recovery, do i ever regret recovering from that stage… that stage where my body was stuck on X kilo, and i tried convincing myself and everyone around me that i was healthy. But like i said in my half recovery post, i really wasnt.
For most of that stage i hated the way my body looked. I never saw it as it looked, and when i look back on pictures from then. I see how skinny was, and the scary thing is that i had gained around 15kg from my lowest weight, but i was still very skinny. I never saw that myself though.
I had fear foods and never really enjoyed food. I ate it because i knew i had to, if i refused to eat i would go back to Mando. I was slowly overcoming fear foods, learning to eat and like the food i was eating. But it wasnt uncommon that i would compensate.
I didnt feel happy this stage, i was depressed. Trying to feel happy. Trying to convince my family that i was happy. Put on a smile.
I had lots of anxiety, though not all food and body related. I was scared of gaining weight. I thought eating a slice of chocolate cake in the evening would make me balloon up, i thought i would wake up and suddenly weigh 10kg more. I was scared of lots of things. I had this voice in my head trying to pull me back down… i had already come so far… fought myself free from the worst of anorexias grip. But i still wasnt recovered. I still had a long way to go.
Left: my half recovery stage (+15kg from my lowest weight)
Right: The day before or after i was declared healthy 😉 (So my goal weight
Left: Very underweight – a day patient, though 1 week later i had lost (5kg) and reached my absaloute bottom physucally and mentally and once again put back into inpatients.
Right: Christmast 2013 (One of the best christmases ive had in the past 5-6 years!) Weigh more than my goal weight, but happier and healthier! And my weight has no meaning to me anymore 🙂
And i am so thankful that i DID take that leap of faith, begin fighting again to reach my goal weight. My body and mind wasnt happy at that weight…. even if i tried telling myself that it was. I used unhealthy behaviours that meant that i either stayed that same weight or lost weight. I couldnt have stayed there long… or maybe i could have, but my body wouldnt have felt good, i didnt have my period. I felt cold, tired and depressed. My mind still filled with black thoughts.
But as i began eating more, gaining more weight i stopped focusing on my body. On the way i looked. I had decided i am going to reach my goal weight of 58-60kg. And that was that. I accepted the fact that i was going to weigh more, i was going to gain weight. I was scared of looking huge, but i fought those fears. And thought, living a healthy life. Having my life BACK, being able to enjoy living would be so much better than being underweight.
I was tired of being sick, but also i was so scared of going back to Mando. Of letting everyone around me down. I had been told several times when i was sick, that they couldnt help me. Mando wanted to kick me out as they thought i was a helpless case… that i needed some other form of treatment… namely back to psychiatric ward, have me strapped down and tube fed. (Though my mum absaloutly refused that, and so did I). And i wanted to prove to those doctors, to those people who didnt believe me, that i actually CAN!
And look at me now… they can eat their words. Infact i would love to go back there and flaunt that i have been declared healthy almost 2 years… and they told me that i couldnt be helped.
I dont ever regret recovery, it was the best decision of my life. Though…. there are times when i can think, i wish i could go back to looking like that. Those thoughts last about 5 seconds and only pop into my head once or twice a year. Usually when im stressed or having very bad body image days. But i always remind myself, What would i be giving up to look liike that? It isnt healthy, for the body or mind to be too skinny or underweight. And if you are using unhealthy behaviours to maintain your body or weight, then its not healthy either. And this is something that is important to remember.
You might want to look a certain way or weigh a certain number, But does your body that? Your body isnt a plane which you can just try to control… it is its own machine, it knows how to function, it knows whats best for it… so dont let your mind try to control your body. Instead, try to actually listen to your body.
Is it healthy or not?
(This is a repost from 2014. )
(c) A Life without Anorexia – Read entire story here.