You betcha, anon! It sounds like you are feeling trapped in a miserable and uncomfortable situation, and I am going to do my best to help you out. Please know that your predicament is not destined to be permanent, and there are certainly ways to change what’s going on.
I’ve drawn out the basic Binge/Restrict Cycle for you here. This is a disordered eating pattern, and as you know from experience, it’s composed of a series of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that continually influence each other.
Here’s another disordered eating model I found shortly after making the other one. I like this one a lot because it emphasizes the emotional component of alternating periods of starvation and binge-eating. If you think about it, food is only an accessory; the core of the cycle is how you feel about yourself and how that affects your relationship with food.
In order to stop bingeing, you have to stop restricting. In order to stop restricting, you have to challenge your unhealthy thoughts, emotions, and perceptions about eating.
Let’s review each part of the Binge/Restrict Cycle and figure out how to break the cycle regardless of which part you’re currently caught in. We’re actually going to start with the “preparation” stage, which is captioned “resolving to ‘get back in control/fix mistake’ by limiting intake,” because I believe that’s where the cycle begins for most people. (To clarify, these are my interpretations of the stages based on the research I’ve been doing and my own experiences.) Here we go!
1. What Happens: You are unhappy with your body and your eating habits and create a plan to lose weight. The plan consists of incredibly strict and rigid “rules” about what you can eat, how you should eat, when you’re going to exercise, what exercises you have to do, etc. These rules contrast sharply with your normal eating habits, and many of them are very specific or extreme. You put a lot of pressure on yourself not to screw up. You are tired of feeling gross and ashamed about eating. You tell yourself that you have to stick to your plan, that there are no exceptions or excuses, and that this time everything will work out and you will finally be happy.
- What Can Happen Instead: You are unhappy with your body, and you realize that you can change this. You understand that your eating habits are a factor but not the entire solution, and you make a plan to eat 3 balanced and reasonably-sized meals every day plus snacks. You know that your body is happiest when you eat moderate amounts of food every 3-4 hours. You aim for variety- this includes selecting foods according to their nutritional value and incorporating foods that you consider to be “bad” into your diet. You understand that moderation is healthy and allow yourself to challenge the urge to prohibit and vilify certain foods. You talk to your doctor or a dietician and ask for suggestions and professional advice.
2. What Happens: You are restricting heavily. The uncompromising nature of your dietary rules forces you to ignore hunger cues, alter your daily routine in order to distance yourself from your regular eating habits, and avoid people, situations, and other things that might conflict with your perceived goals. You tell yourself that it’s better this way, that you are in control, you feel satisfied with what you’ve done, and that succeeding means you possess the traits of a strong, driven individual. Sometimes you have thoughts about how dangerous or harmful your plan has the potential to become, but you drown those thoughts out by reasserting how beneficial you believe reaching your goals will be, both physically and emotionally.
- What Can Happen Instead: You examine the realistic integrity of the restrictions you’ve imposed on yourself. You know that self-isolation and avoidance are unhealthy practices. You question the belief that depriving yourself of food indicates that you are somehow better and stronger than you’d be if you acknowledged your hunger cues and ate when you were hungry. You remind yourself that purposeful food aversion is an emotional eating behavior, just like bingeing, and acknowledge the harmful consequences of not ingesting adequate amounts of calories, macronutrients, and micronutrients for sustained periods of time. You make a conscious effort to remember that starvation creates more problems than it solves. You encourage yourself to eat well despite the part of you that criticizes your meals for being “too big/bad/etc.”
3. What Happens: You find yourself focusing more and more on the subjects of food, eating, and exercising. This preoccupation is distracting and annoying- you thought doing this would stop you from thinking about food so much. You know that your body is hungry, but listening to your stomach feels counterproductive. You spend a lot of time telling yourself that you “shouldn’t” or “can’t” eat X, Y, and Z based on your plan. You find yourself creating contingency measures in case you end up “breaking the rules,” but another part of you maintains that this shouldn’t be necessary. You are beginning to worry that you may end up consuming food despite how imperative you believe it is to avoid doing it. You fear that this “faltering” means that you are weak and incapable of attaining any goal you create, diet-related or otherwise.
- What Can Happen Instead: You ask yourself, “If I eat, what will happen? Will I suddenly become an undesirable person? Why would giving myself energy and nourishment be bad for me? Is a well-portioned meal going to drastically alter my body? Is my body at fault, or are my feelings about this situation faulty?” You understand that you are not required to continue feeling this way, and that your rules may actually be impeding your ability to successfully change your habits. You also note that being unable to adhere to unsustainable and disordered dietary rules does not mean that you are incapable of being an exceptional student, a steadfast friend, a stellar significant other, a loving relative, a diligent professional, or an otherwise accomplished and extraordinary person. You ask a sibling, a friend, or someone you respect to help you examine your predicament and support you in making healthy decisions.
4. What Happens: You are famished, tense, irritable, and you feel cornered. You obsess over anything related to food, and resisting your body’s urgent signals to eat requires a majority of your concentration and energy. Everything else in your life seems exponentially more stressful in addition to the raging internal battle that is threatening to break you down. The physiological craving is very nearly unbearable. You tell yourself that “giving in” and eating is an unforgivable and punishable offense. You are terribly afraid of bingeing.
- What Can Happen Instead: You recognize that regardless of the harsh limitations you’ve imposed on yourself, your unconscious mind will do whatever is necessary in order to acquire nourishment. You admit to yourself that fighting your natural instinct to survive will result either in a frenzied takeover by your unconscious (a binge) or markedly uncomfortable and possibly long-lasting repercussions of prolonged starvation. You decide that neither of those outcomes are worth the physical or emotional pain you would endure as a result. You speak to someone you trust about how conflicted you feel. You make an effort to re-normalize your eating patterns by practicing mindful eating, perhaps with the support of a close friend, family member, or mentor.
5. What Happens: You have reached your breaking point. You take a bite or a sip of something, and, having broken the “rules” you’ve made for yourself, say “I might as well just give up and eat everything because I’ve made an irreparable error!” This reasoning escalates into a binge episode. You respond to your cravings and feelings by eating foods you’ve been fantasizing about and eating purely for the sensation. You feel completely out of control, and you are angry that part of you is relieved, satisfied, or enjoying the binge.
- What Can Happen Instead: You know that you are at risk of bingeing due to significant stress created by the disunity between your judgmental thoughts and your body’s urgent and persistent needs. “This extreme measure (heavy restriction) didn’t work for me, so I may as well move on to the other extreme(binge-eating)!” is black-and-white thinking, and making a conscious effort to find the healthy middle ground is arduous but not impossible. You reach out for support and tell a loved one that you feel out-of-control and upset. You employ relaxation techniques and find activities to distract you from bingeing or continuing the binge-eating episode, but you do NOT prevent yourself from eating something in moderation when you are no longer in danger of proceeding with a binge, because continued restriction will not alleviate your discomfort.
6. What Happens: You are beyond upset. Your binge proves to you that you are a revolting glutton without any semblance of pride, worth, or self-control. You call yourself wretched, mediocre, contemptible, disgraceful, a piece of trash, an abomination- the list of names gets longer and longer. You torture yourself with the bathroom scale and by reliving your binge episode over and over in your head. You tell yourself that eating normally would only be rewarding your recent unacceptable behavior. You believe that you deserve to feel this awful and low.
- What Can Happen Instead: You give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Your body and your mind were playing an intense game of tug-of-war with your health, and one of them had to win at some point. You remind yourself that restriction was not a sign of strength, but an unwillingness to provide your body with what it deserves. Bingeing was not a sign of sloth, but a sign of your body’s desperation to remain well. You are not weak or stupid simply because you were not being unhealthy in the way you prefer. There is no superior method for suffering. You apologize to yourself for the pain you have endured. You tell your doctor or make an appointment to speak with a therapist about the series of events and sentiments that catalyzed your binge.
I also found some links for you that may be helpful in different parts of the cycle (in no particular order):
My explanation of this information may make it seem very obvious and easy, but beating the Binge/Restrict Cycle is a very difficult undertaking. I highly recommend that you reach out to someone you trust for support, ask your physician for professional input, and definitely take advantage of any therapy you may be participating in to discuss your feelings about your eating behaviors. I hope this was helpful, and the best of luck to you, anon! 🙂