In my younger years, I was a well-rounded child who had enjoyed life. I got good grades, was liked by peers and adults, played basketball, showed honesty and kindness, had a creative side, and was both driven and confident. So, what changed? That “perfect” child grew up. I began having trouble keeping up with all of these demands and needed something to control. A traumatic event occurred, and I thought it was up to me to ‘fix’ it. Enter my eating disorder.
When I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder, I felt like I was inside of a tornado, with the world crashing and spinning around me. My whole life was turned upside down. I developed chronic depression, in addition to my previously existing anxiety. I didn’t have a treatment team that was the right match for me. I was misdiagnosed, which caused me to spiral deeper into my illness due to denial.
I was told by these same professionals that I would never be successful in recovery without a higher level of care, and that I would either fail or get kicked out of college because of my eating disorder. They told me that my dreams were unattainable because of my diagnosis. From that point on, I have strived to prove them wrong, and today, I am doing just that.
Throughout my recovery, I struggled a lot with asking myself ‘why.’ “Why did I develop an eating disorder?” After stepping out of my comfort zone and doing some exploring, I found my ‘why,’ which is to give back to those struggling with eating disorders. As a mental health therapist, I have come to the realization that it is important for me to take care of myself, as I can’t help my clients with their eating disorders unless I have mine under control as well. Think of it like being a passenger on an airplane. If something were to happen and oxygen masks were needed, pilots always inform passengers to put on their mask first before helping someone else put on theirs. That is because if you don’t help yourself first, you are unable to help other people.
Giving back to the eating disorders community fuels me, but I know that I can’t pour from an empty cup either. I need to nourish myself both physically and mentally in order to continue my work in this field and best help my clients. This means not using my eating disorder to communicate for me like it used to in the past. Instead, I have found my voice; when I’m experiencing any type of discomfort, I can still take care of my body.