Laughter. A human behavior that is an outward signal emulating a particular emotion. Whether it is a reaction to humour or whether it is a way one deals with pain and loss, laughter can be a therapeutic way to release inner feelings. The most common association of the laugh is one of amusement, whereby we express our appreciation in a moment of hilarity. When suffering from mental disorders merriment can seem like a rare occurrence, especially when dealing with depression. Since falling victim to my anorexic tendencies yet again over Christmas, it seemed that joy was seldom a part of my life as I wallowed in my dark mood and lack of enthusiasm. However, recently since restarting my anti-depressants I have acquired a new perspective on my life, feeling more fulfilled and actually enjoying what I do. When you cannot see the end of the tunnel, it is hard to ever imagine you will reach the place where you are content.
Having the opportunity to go skiing yet again this year with my friends at university, it was a motivation to get myself on a weight restoration diet so I could be healthy enough to go. I find that no matter how much I eat, putting on weight has been extremely slow this time around. Although, I am far more comfortable taking weight gain in its stride, I had expected it to go at a faster rate, much like 2 years ago. Therefore, I left to ski at a lower weight than I would have liked. It is very scary for me to eat ‘fear foods’ and I feel at times like I am getting out of control and overindulging. What if I cannot stop myself from eating so much food once I have attained my target weight? What if I start bingeing after such a long period of restriction? What if…? What if…? What if…?
What I must bare in mind at all times is that I was able to do it once before; I guess the only scary part is this time I feel more alone. Despite having the means to should I so wish, I do not have the support of my therapist and living away from my family at home I do not have their constant support either. It makes it more difficult to stay motivated on my path, yet I feel I have accomplished a lot despite this. I know I will always have people to talk to, even some I had not expected to still be behind me, yet its never easy to admit out loud when you are having problems. I find it hard to trust people with my deepest emotions especially when I feel that exposing myself emotionally in the past has led me to nothing but trouble. My blog has been one of the only ways I cannot lie to others or myself that something is wrong. Yes it is revealing myself in a more public way than I would like, but this way people can chose or not to read and take on my burdens by offering help.
I have come to realise that one of the biggest fears stopping me from wanting to go out is the cold. I have a phobia of the cold wracking through my body and tensing up all the muscles in my back; I associate the cold with a bad time in my life. It therefore seems contradictory that I would chose a skiing holiday to challenge my going out fears, yet it worked wonders. I can safely say, not once did I feel cold on my week away, something I have not felt in a very long time and it was refreshing. I was able to enjoy myself and socialise in a way I had not done since succumbing to Anorexia again; I was not self-conscious of being myself. I did not over analyse whether people liked me, how what I said would be interpreted and I came to accept that my company was one that was appreciated. It is hard to feel accepted when you have been a social recluse for so long but not once did I not feel comfortable with anyone I was with.
Being around supportive friends 24/7 who had no care in the world about their diets, yet ate sanely was extremely beneficial to me. I was able to eat a croque-monsieur (an ultra cheesy concoction on bread) served with chips i.e. carbs and fat overload, without much fear at all. In fact I was able to not even feel the guilt I usually would from eating such foods. If others I respect and look up to could do it, then so could I. I also indulged myself in pizza as well as crisp like nibbles between meals; something I have abstained from doing since I first became ill 3 years ago! Eating at a regular pace is something I feel I can do when in public, however, I like to have at least one meal a day where I can take my time and I do not have to think about eating. I had no such choice on the matter this week and it was stressful but I did find myself able to eat around a table at a regular pace with all my friends.
Although I am loathe to admitting it to my parents and family, it is a holiday fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol. In my eyes, alcohol is full of empty calories so again I fear its effects, especially when eating so heartily at the same time. Yet, I was able to put these thoughts aside and drank alcohol mixed with sugary juices before going out in the evenings, as well as slurping on the occasional vin chaud or two in the afternoon. Although, I have been able to drink alcohol previously, I would never usually succumb to the hunger pangs one usually gets after a night out due to the hypoglycemic effects of alcohol. However, without a care in the world I would indulge on yet more calories upon coming home from a night full of dancing. I felt normal.
I cannot believe the effects that leaving the country and the comforts of a ritual has made to me. I literally pushed all the boundaries I had been afraid of for so long and could be myself. I have only the group of friends I went on holiday with to thank for that, as without them I do not think I would have had half the fun I did. I cannot remember the last time my stomach hurt from laughing so much, yet it was a regular occurrence over the week. I find myself even smiling as I write this, so thank you everyone. Yes, it is still tough for me but the fact remains, that I know I can fight the Anorexia and I hope to say one day that it has been beaten once and for all.
(c) My Big Anorexia Nervosa Secret – Read entire story here.