After great suffering, and countless days of battling with my mind, I decided that I wanted my life to be in my hands. I hated feeling cold 24/7. I hated those sleepless nights, when my body was signaling the inadequate fuel that I consumed that day. How was I supposed to recover though? I couldn’t let my parents find out because that would only lead to more problems. They never understood because in their eyes, eating disorders are shameful, or for the mentally ill.
After a missing menstrual cycle for three years, I knew that it was time to face my problems, even if I had to do it alone. I couldn’t let the scale define me, even if that felt like the easier route. I didn’t want to be 40 years old, and unable to have children. I didn’t want my focus to be on the food in front of me, rather than the human conversing with me.
Despite losing weight, I still receive comments about my body from my relatives.
So, when will I be perfect enough to not have harsh comments thrown at me? Never.
It’s something that I’ve accepted. In middle eastern families, it’s normalized to make comments on weight to all the daughters. Instead of the comments changing, I’ve learned to not listen, because we really only live one life so I’m going to eat the foods I want to eat!
God knows that I was under-fueling myself, and I satisfied my cravings by thinking of my weight loss progress, and of the body that I finally had. However, growing up and realizing the destruction I had caused to my body engendered self-awareness. The realization that hit me caused me emotional distress. Why had I destroyed my metabolism, risked my chance of healthy fertility, and jeopardized my relationship with something that my body needs. I saw my new body as a transportation to validation, and the key to happiness.
The day I visited the OBGYN was a day filled with anxiety. I had become what I thought I would never become. Before I suffered the realities of my restriction, I underestimated the impact that it had. I only thought of it as a diet that I would soon forget about, and that I would get back to eating regularly. But little did I know that eating disorders trap you in a hole that you can’t get out of, unless you change your mindsets, and realize that your life is so valuable, and that being your ideal weight won’t get you anywhere (unless you want to be a Victoria Secret model).
See, the truth about going through an eating disorder, is that your values are constantly changing. Sometimes I think about my health, and my future, but sometimes I think of how I look or what I eat.