Hello friends and happy Thursday!
I cannot BELIEVE that another week has come and gone! What’s the craziest thing is that I’m already 19 WEEKS pregnant! Next week I’ll be halfway through my pregnancy! Can you believe it?!
But what’s even wilder…is that next week WE FIND OUT OUR BABY’S GENDER!!!
Oh my gosh, I am just so excited. Steven and I both think it’s going to be a boy. Several of my friends, as well as my 4 year old nephew think it’s going to be a girl! But we’ll find out next Thursday!
I think it’s really special that we’re finding out on LEAP DAY! How fun is that!?
So first things first, I made a YouTube video sharing my experience with Covid while being pregnant – what I learned, and some helpful things.
So yeah, thank you for watching — and for subscribing! That support really helps me as I’m trying to grow my channel on YouTube!
So – now for some new things this week: for the first time all pregnancy, really, I had some really emotional episodes.
And instead of bottling them up inside like I usually do, I thought I would just process on here, since this space is a beautiful area to be vulnerable and share, since many times, it turns out I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Anyway – I was really emotional just feeling like I’m floundering — like I’m lacking a purpose. Which, I know is not exactly what comes to mind when you think about a pregnant woman. Because clearly, my growing belly is evidence: I definitely have a purpose right now.
But real talk: being pregnant and an actor means you have an incredibly fruitless season. Unless you’re Kerry Washington – playing the lead character (Olivia Pope) on a hit TV show (Scandal) and they hide your baby bump with big jackets and oversized handbags….you simply don’t book anything.
Unless it’s a pregnancy-specific casting, you’re just not going to book any work. And let’s face it: pregnancy-specific casting has all but gone by the wayside since the birthrate is so pathetically low in the US, and people just aren’t having babies anymore. (In fact, I read that diaper companies are in serious trouble as their sales have had an unprecedented decline.)
But that’s neither here nor there. Suffice it to say, the phone has stopped ringing from my agent.
And so, to be honest, I feel like I’m failing as a wife.
My husband, of course, could not be more affirming and amazing, reminding me that I’m growing our child and that is my job right now. And he reminds me of everything I do to keep our household running so that he can do his job to the best of his ability.
He has never once said anything to make me feel this way — it is all my own brain thinking my own belittling thoughts.
But it’s been really weighing heavily on my heart. Losing sleep. Coloring my self worth and self esteem. Frankly, I’ve been waging an inner war between my ears. And one evening this week, I just broke down in tears.
I was talking with one of my best friends and life-long mentors about this last night, and she reminded me that right now, I am right where God wants me. I am in the center of His will: taking care of myself so that my body can grow a strong and healthy baby that Steven and I created.
She reminded me that that is my job right now, and to just embrace it fully. This is one of the very few times in my life — and probably the last — where my focus is on myself: my health, my marriage, my needs for baby’s development (rest, nourishment, hydration, movement), my trust in Jesus through this pregnancy, etc.
And she’s absolutely right.
That doesn’t make it any easier, when I check my inbox and there are no audition notifications. But I need to just embrace my role as a wife and mother right now.
That, and I’ve also been looking at other remote work that I can do in this interim while I’m not booking acting jobs.
So anyway: Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Have you ever had a season like that where you felt a bit like you were floundering?
Have a great evening, friends. I’ve gotta go downstairs now and make dinner for Steven and I — tacos ?
Until Monday!
xoxo Caralyn