A month later, we had the first covid lockdown in Greece. That’s when it all went downhill. I turned completely cold. I wasn’t a person. I was a machine. I had a strictly defined eating and training schedule. I started obsessing over my body and how that affected every inch of my performance. I wanted to be the best. Overtraining, undereating, and trying to convince myself that this is how it’s supposed to be. I was exhausted but I didn’t care. Once the lockdown came to an end, I was already deep into my eating disorder and I didn’t even know.
I eventually hit the ideal weight that I was hoping for so it was time to stop dieting. But something in me wanted more. I couldn’t stop myself. Watching the number on the scale decrease, watching my daily calorie intake being really low, and training until I was on the edge of passing out was really satisfying in a way. And I couldn’t understand why.
I remember a random evening I came across a TEDx Talk from Victoria Garrick Browne, a former D1 volleyball player and founder of The Hidden Opponent, who suffered from depression, anxiety and binge eating disorder. That video was the awakening alarm for me, so Victoria, if you ever get to read my story I just want to thank you for saving me.
I remember telling myself: “Alright buddy, it’s a lot more common than you thought and it probably has a specific name but for now let’s just call it messed up. Anyway, you need to seek some serious help”.
I wanted to start healing but I was scared and unsure of what I should do. I was still alone in this until I eventually decided to open up to my best friend. She had tried multiple times to talk some sense to me but I was too deep into my mental illness to even consider what she was trying to tell me. I lied to her and told her that I was seeing a therapist. My world was falling apart and I still wanted to appear strong on the outside. It was hard. I was trying to recover on my own. I am pretty sure it was hard for my best friend as well because she was the only person in my support network and I get that’s a heavy weight to carry.
A few months later the situation got out of hand. I was stuck in recovery because I was still surrounded by athletes and coaches and people ready to hate on bodies and performances, and that was toxic. I was still overtraining and starving myself. But on some days I would just binge and then feel depressed for hours. That situation started to affect my performance on court and that’s when it hit me. I was never going to be the same again. It was an illness and not something that would pass by and I could keep on living my life. It stayed with me all day long, 24/7. I was burnt out. I started to isolate myself more, talk less and just try to focus on my job but it got hard to even focus on anything else but my eating disorder. I was completely out of control.
One day I just told myself that I needed a break. I messaged my coach and found a good excuse to take a 2-week break. I never could have predicted that I wouldn’t want to go back. During the break, I sought professional help for the first time. It was terrifying but it felt good to finally be able to open up to someone. After those 2 weeks, I woke up and immediately thought that I simply couldn’t keep doing this, it was killing me. I needed to heal. I arrived home from school and cried my eyes out. In between tears, I messaged my coach and told him about my decision. Legally he couldn’t stop me so that was it. In 5 minutes, I went from being an athlete and trying to secure a scholarship in the US to losing my whole identity. I had to adjust to a new reality. I was scared and mentally ill and so disappointed in myself that my biggest dream failed, but deep down I knew that I was doing the right thing.
The year that followed was tough. I was in the last year of high school so I was studying hard to pass the exams to get to the university. There was a lot of pressure. Long story short. I suffered from depression, I started self-harming, and suicidal thoughts kept coming my way. My eating disorder transformed into bulimia. Binging, purging, and starving myself became the new reality for me. After plenty of hours of contemplating whether I should end it or not, one attempt, a lot of battle scars, and a lot of time spent with my head down the toilet, I survived. It was exhausting but I had an amazing support network. My friends are why I am here today, alive and able to get out of bed in the morning and chase my dreams.